Posting in the making of having my own waybackmachine. Funny enough its one big circle. I started out with the idea that paperdolljournal.com is a holding space to share my family history research journey with the idea that I would be in community with writers online as a source of writing accountability. This morning I took the leap to get back to making it plain. This is my self discovery journey blog for becoming a writer. Right now I am feeling like holding space within oneself for discovery is just as challenging as it is to request from others. From the practice of holding space for myself, I can better recognize when others are holding space for me and I acknowledge it. "Thank you for making space for me to...". While this may appear gracious, its still about the self for which I now use an exercise for mindfulness. Now understanding that showing gratitude starts with how I want to feel. How the person receives it is what?.... "None of my spiritual business." I've been using that phrase since my young adulthood in the '90s when I was a bonafide 'Science of the Mind' believer and follower. What a ride. Looking back it was the 'je ne sais quoi' of youth. The photo is the picturing of a part of the journey. A snap shot of the focus and the community spaces that I've been pushing into along the way. Bon voyage - xoLisa
Paperdoll Genealogy to me has always been a journey of self discovery. One of living over two decades full of false family oral history and public records. So sure of my family tree after living my entire childhood and the majority of my adulthood believing in the stories. The dots of family histories woven together from imagination; some out of necessity, and others for safety, security and survival.
To be the one in the buzzing research room group meetups that proudly boasted that ancestry DNA served no purpose for me as I knew my entire family tree. So many wasted months and years of genealogical naivety and blind arrogance drowning in all-knowing to then loosing both opportunities to test my octogenarian grandmothers before their passing five years ago.
Today like most days since, I'm wondering, Why did I wait for hindsight to be my 20/20 when my new network of family historians and genealogists consistently asked me if I had taken a DNA test? will forever haunt me. To think about those days and my foolish responses laced with pompous humor and sarcasm is nauseating to say the least. At that point, I switch my thinking back to the moment ever reaching for the opportunity to be completely present and side eyeing the delight of proclaiming to be practicing mindfulness. And then I practice my best posture to wonder If I can give myself some space for grace so that I can remember to focus on my true desire for researching my family history.
My lifelong love of reading, researching and storytelling; always beginning with did you know. Thinking of the way I absolutely love visiting libraries to thumb through their holdings. Looking to see the titles curated onto tables and shelves handpicked by the staff while unconsciously holding my breath until I begin to chat up the reference librarians about their holdings.
Thankful for the rememory of my hearts desire WHY while I beginning again. One step at a time without rush or sense of urgency since the lane I know for sure is my own.
Forever space for grace. - xoLisa
Full circle #paperdolljournalnotes